I am scared of letting people into my world because I am afraid of how people will respond to my Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
I wonder how people will respond to my noise canceling headphones that I wear in restaurants, or when I cover my ears after their silverware squeaks softly on their plate.
I hate my world and how I respond to the little things that are normal for everyone else. Living with SPD causes me to be very aware of my limitations and struggles more than most. My natural response (even to those I love) is to draw back from them rather than trusting them with my limitations.
As I saw this reality in my life, I began to see that my lack of trust limits my world. That it captures me in my own fear of rejection and I saw that I had created my own chains.
How can I be free?– A question I asked myself a year ago.
How do I break these chains. Because I see that it doesn’t just effect my life, but it effects my family, my friendships, my boyfriend, my relationship with God… I needed to be free.
But freedom comes with a price.
Learning to trust others, means you have to allow people opportunities to have you trust them.
I have to make the first move and put my headphones on in their presence. I need to admit that I need an arm or a cane to steady my balance and take out my Koosh ball to ground me while I’m with others… I had to step out of my comfort zone and let people in. I had to admit I needed help, support, and comfort. To face the reality that I couldn’t handle everything!
This was hard!
What if I reached out and no one reaches back? What if I open my heart to someone and they end up crushing it?
It was a chance I had to take.
There will be those who will hurt you and respond to your SPD by drawing back and acting awkward around you. But the more I allowed people into my world, the more I realized that there are a lot more people who care than people who turn away.
As I stepped out of my comfort zone, I found friends, I started dating, and I felt more myself than ever before! Not just because I had people I could trust, but because I began to allow myself to be free.
It’s not easy. I still struggle to trust and probably will struggle with it for the rest of my life, but everyday God is teaching me to trust more and more.
The chains are gone from my hands and now they are free to trust and to help those around me.
I am free now!